Ignroing What Causes Pain

I can't say that "nothing ever goes right" because that's not true. Case in point, I'm an heiress. That's a plus.
But because of my new status, I have to move away to a new life. That's a minus.
And, to top it all off, I was tricked by my heart again. Which is yet another minus.
Why do I always fall for these tricks? I always think that I'm doing the right thing, but it almost never turns out how I hope it will. And the "almost" part comes in because of the two out of nine times things have been okay, at least for a little while.
The object of my affection is not in my life anymore. I don't mean we got into a fight or something like that, but it's almost as if he isn't there at all. I want to call him, I want to write him, but I have to remind myself that I'm an outsider in his life again. By contacting him, it feels like I'd be interfering. Yes, he and I are friends, but...I can only wish for something more. I just have to step back and let him be happy, because there's not much else I can do. No matter how badly I want to see him or talk to him, I can't.
And I won't.
I'm just stuck with this question--left wondering,"What if...?"

My questions always remain unanswered, and I can't see that changing anytime soon.

Currently Listening Plans By Death Cab for Cutie see related

- I Will Follow You Into The Dark

sometimes life just balances out...or not

well. today was a blessing and a curse...
for one, i found out that my dead father has no will and i get everything. fun, huh?

not really, for the following reason.

see, i'm single now. yep, i broke up with mike. he's taking it kinda hard, but it was better this way...i mean, i was hurting him by lying to him the way i did. so at least this way one of us is happy.
oh, right. that backfired on me...
anyway, the whole dylan thing kinda fizzled out. i haven't heard from him in a while, and it's not that i'm worried, it's that i....well, it's just that i really want to see him. but, i mean, i can't...more because of my mom than anything else.
i was hoping on going up to santa cruz this summer, but my mom and aunt are in this huge argument and so my mom won't send me up to stay with her. so becuase of that, i can't see my cousins or my friends who are up there (including dylan).
it's really difficult to handle that there is someone in your life that you want to do anything for, someone you're willing to give up everything for, and you really would walk 1000 miles just to see. but he doesn't see me that way at all.
i'm just a friend.

and because i want him to be happier than i am...
that's all i'll be.

Currently Listening Ocean Avenue By Yellowcard see related

Wow I'm...???

So like, I dumped him. If anyone cares. Now I'm with someone else. And I'm like totally unhappy because I'm being a bitchface slut whore.

*sigh* Let me explain.

Dylan=super hot, sweet, caring, adorable ex from last summer.
BF=current boyfriend that I see as a good friend who likes to kiss me..erm, a lot.

Last Sunday I sent Dylan a text wishing him a happy graduation and we ended up talking for an hour (not txting) about how his gf dumped him and he's upset about it. I told him I loved him ("I love you so much Dylan, even if it's not in a romantic way.") and then his gf called--irony at its best--so he had to take the call but he would call me back. Half an hour later, at 1:30 AM, he calls back when I was on the verge of sleep. I told him he could call me whenever but at the moment I had to sleep, so we hung up. I didn't expect what I got the next day.
Monday afternoon, I got a text from him ("whats up?") and I responded ("not much. getting groceries from the car. brb"). So we went back and forth for a few hours about not much, then finally I said to call me later. He didn't and I was pissed about it but didn't say anything.
Tuesday. I sent him a total of 2 text messages, to no response, so I thought he was annoyed with me and wouldn't talk to me.
Wednesday. I resisted contacting him until about 5 pm, and he responded. I then said "hey you never called me that one time..you should repay me with...uh..something." He made a sex joke and agreed to call me around 11 that night. 10:00 rolls around and my bf calls me...I feign tired, so he hangs up...and I continue playing my video game. Dylan calls at 10:45, we talk for 15 minutes, then he says he's gotta go but will call me back. 20 minutes pass, then he calls back. Chat for another 15 then he goes off to make michief in the night.
Thursday. I text him at 9:something am ("wakey wakey. get up and greet the day because if i have to suffer today so do you") and he calls me immediately afterward. We talk for about 20 minutes--first break then through til the change bell in dance--then I have to go take my dance final.
Friday. We chat for a few hours online, during which I get a new AIM name (ILeftOutTheTruth...fitting, huh?) and he gets a new AIM name.
Saturday night. More multiple hour chatting online because his cell got disconnected and this is our only time to talk. After I do some serious flirting with him, I admit to him that I feel strongly about him, and finally tell him I have a boyfriend. He never says that he doesn't feel the same about me, but says that the distance would never work. Right before I stop hearing from him at midnight--erm, I THINK he got disconnected from the net--he says "well, what else could we be?"

Which, now, is making me think. Does he return my feelings? I can't say for sure, since I haven't been able to contact him since Saturday. I'd email him, but god, how awkward would that be...? "Yeah hi um I was just wondering how you feel about me??" Nuh-uh. I can't do that. Our relationship is in enough jeapordy with me thinking the things I do, and to just blurt it out...? I can't do that to him. I shouldn't be doing this at all.
And yet...here I am, with someone who worships the ground I walk on and not completely happy with it.
I already know why I still feel this way--or think I do--about Dylan. That was the quickest, most passion-filled (we made out a lot) and romantic relationship I've ever been in. I still have the message in my Myspace Inbox that he sent me detailing how much he likes me. I won't delete it. He's in my Top 12, and my bf isn't even there!!!

...so, gahhh venting. I'm gonna go play KH to try and calm down...well, for a little bit anyway, then back online to see if Dylan comes on.

Not Seeing the Obvious

Okay, so I'm trying to tell someone who cares about me that it might be a smart idea to stop caring about me. Any of my exes can testify to that, but this person just isn't getting it. I told him to lay off the romantic stuff for a few days while I come to a decision about our relationship, but I swear to you, he just doesn't understand. And I don't want to flat out say to him that I want to end it--because, while that is an option, I don't want to do that to him. It'd kill him.
And oh, how I wish I was exaggerating.
He's saying that "This could be a good thing"--so that he could make me "fall in love" with him all over again. But I can't handle the distance, and that bullshit about distance making the heart grow fonder is only true if its growing fonder of someone else. I don't understand what he sees in me...He says that he loves everything about me, but what does that mean, exactly? He likes the fact that I'm shallow, emotional, overly dramatic about everything, too sentimental, fickle....?
Actually, with the exception of me being too emotional, he knows nothing of these flaws. Great. He wants to marry me (I don't want that, to be honest, because I still would like to worry about prom before when I'm going to get married) and he barely knows me. I barely know him

Well, this relationship is starting out fantastically.

Currently Listening Shimmer By Fuel see related

- Shimmer

Well, I'm bored.

Yeah. So. Bored out of my mind and reading old posts. I never realized what a stitch I was!!
Oh, and I just realized something:
I fucking hate Stockler still.
Oh, big suprise, blah blah blah, but I was honestly going to apologize at the end of the year. Swear to god I was, because I want to be a better person for my beloved fiancee, but....I dunno. I just realized he's always been kind of an asshole that never had a backbone, and with very limited guy friends. And I think it's funny that I've kissed more girls than he has.(What? I have!! And I'm not even a lez!! Jesus, stop giving me that look, I mean I AM engaged to a guy....alright now it's old. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.)

Fine, be that way. I'LL go then.